I like you, I eat you

I really don’t understand how humans manage to keep their jobs. While I have mastered most human behaviour; I find it extremely hard to maintain employment.

Why do I need a job? For the same reason the Cullens in Twilight go to school. It is called keeping up pretences. Also, unlike in popular fiction, vampires don’t always have untold riches to dip into. This vampire for instance is not loaded, not money-wise at least. I have also never managed a bank balance because banks ask too many bloody questions.

My entire day was wasted yesterday because my stupid human boss is not an organised creature. I am personal assistant and secretary to the CEO of a huge bank. For reasons of anonymity, I cannot name the bank. But let me tell you that if I did, the global economic situation will get another kick up its balls.

Over the ages, I have taken up human work that involves writing or taking notes. I have been a scribe at the Temple of Bellona, I have helped William write some fantastic prose considered literature classics now, I’ve debated and taken notes for Adolf’s Mein Kampf and nearly had my cover blown when Richard could not execute a simple plan and was impeached for the Watergate scandal. I learnt my lesson then and have since kept low profile jobs as the personal assistant/ secretary to bigwigs.

I have always found such employment quite easily. I have a fantastic memory for reference work, type really fast, never forget anything and take perfect dictation. Along with the fact that I don’t complain about long hours and have inhuman energy – hah! – I have been told that I am the perfect employee. I think my boss’s also like looking at my cleavage. I always insist on male bosses, far easier than catty human women; they make horrible bosses.

Except that I find it very difficult to keep jobs simply because after a while, I really cannot put up with a stupid human trying to lord it over me.

Yesterday was wasted because my boss’s wife found out he was screwing his junior manager’s wife. I really don’t understand why human men cannot get it straight: If you are screwing another woman, treat your wife right and she will never get suspicious. Stupid men. So my boss was discovered – on YouPorn that too – and wanted me to counsel and placate his wife. Why? I didn’t screw his wife and I definitely was not stupid enough to shoot a video and put it up on the Internet.

At times like that, I can so kill my boss. He is like an irritating fly you just have to swat. But I will not eat him, simply because I don’t like him. I have to like whoever I choose to eat. It’s not always simple though, this habit of eating only what I like. Once I really fell for this human man. I really liked him… And then I had to leave because I liked him so much, I wanted to eat him.

It’s like humans you know; you either eat what you like or you eat because you need nourishment. Since I nourished myself two days back at least my boss will not land on my dinner table. But even if I don’t eat him, I have to do something about my boss. He just does not deserve to live any longer…

Vampires at Boston Latin School?

Bloody funny, these human beings. They make a complete mess of being human and yet now a whole lot of them want to be vampires.

Now a nearly-400-years-school -- Boston Latin School, established 1635 -- has its principal sending out official memos asking students and staff to calm down about vampires.

Apparently some students have been spreading a rumour that there's a vampire in their school. Both Boston.com and MTV.com 'reported' the news; MTV doing it with much more style. "And since it is a gloomy, overcast time of the year in Boston right now..." Hah.

Screw botox and cosmetic surgery, 'vampire' is the new answer for ever-lasting beauty. And youth. If vampires were portrayed as stinky and dirty -- you should see me after two night outs -- no one would be as enamoured.

Despite the fact that werewolves and vampires are mentioned in the same breath -- Twilight series, Skinwalkers etc -- no one wants to be a werewolf. In the age of meterosexuality, guess all that hair is unappealing.

I was born beautiful and born a vampire. It's a myth that vampires cannot reproduce. Like so many other fucking myths about us. But more on that some other day...

PS: Some had questions. I am female.

Frills get in the way, you idiot

I will concede to at least one improvement in how vampires have been portrayed over the ages. That would be the death of frills.

It's basic science that any flying/swimming Being will have a streamlined body. However, popular vampire fashion is absolutely anti-aerodynamics.

What makes more sense? It being easier to fly naked or wearing body-fitting clothes? Or when you are covered in reams of tulle, net, lace and other such delicate fabric.

Personally, I find vampire fashion in popular fiction and movies quite offensive to my sense of fashion. Over the years that I have seen womens' (under)garments change from corsettes to crotchless; I have NEVER worn anything as ridiculous as flimsy nightgown and gone hunting.

In the era before spandex -- uncomfortable despite the number of 'superheroes' who've worn them -- and then subsequently lycra (thumbs up) were invented; I hunted naked.

There's just something to be said about warm blood trickling down your breasts.

Sorry to disappoint you RH Smith, vampire brides is a myth.